I decided to have some fun with his speech and pretend I'm Mike Malloy or Sam Seder and injecting commentary while playing a recording of this speech (I'm in italics):
Good evening and fuck you. Tonight in Iraq, the Armed Forces of the United States are engaged in a struggle that will determine the direction of the global war on terror - and our safety here at home. But mostly the safety of my failed presidency. The new strategy I outline tonight will change America's course in Iraq, and help us succeed in the fight against terror. Because it makes perfect sense to fight a war against a tactic, don't it--heh, heh.
When I addressed you just over a year ago, nearly 12 million Iraqis had cast their ballots for a unified and democratic nation. Purple fingers, purple fingers! You remember those carefully staged propaganda photos, right? The elections of 2005 were a stunning achievement. We thought that these elections would bring the Iraqis together - and that as we trained Iraqi security forces, we could accomplish our mission with fewer American troops. And continue to build our giant-ass embassy in Baghdad because we're never going to leave.
But in 2006, the opposite happened. The violence in Iraq - particularly in Baghdad - overwhelmed the political gains the Iraqis had made. Al Qaeda terrorists and Sunni insurgents recognized the mortal danger that Iraq's elections posed for their cause. And they responded with outrageous acts of murder aimed at innocent Iraqis. That are totally different than our outrageous acts of murder--don'tcha know they're terrorists? They blew up one of the holiest shrines in Shia Islam - the Golden Mosque of Samarra - in a calculated effort to provoke Iraq's Shia population to retaliate. Their strategy worked. Radical Shia elements, some supported by Iran (that's who we're attacking next, by the way--heh, heh), formed death squads. And the result was a vicious cycle of sectarian violence that continues today. That's right, I'm still not gonna call it a civil war--I make my own reality.
The situation in Iraq is unacceptable to the American people - and it is unacceptable to me. Even though I'm the one responsible for it. Our troops in Iraq have fought bravely. They have done everything we have asked them to do. Where mistakes have been made, the responsibility rests with me. I'm a war criminal, what can I say?
It is clear that we need to change our strategy in Iraq. No shit, Sherlock. A better idea would be to have a strategy to begin with. So my national security team, military commanders (that I just replaced because they didn't agree with me), and diplomats conducted a comprehensive review. We consulted Members of Congress from both parties, allies abroad, and distinguished outside experts. You know, ExxonMobil, BP, Shell--just uninterested, totally neutral outside elements. We benefited from the thoughtful recommendations of the Iraq Study Group - a bipartisan panel led by former Secretary of State James Baker and former Congressman Lee Hamilton. Fuck you Daddy--I'm a gooder President than you! I got two terms--so there! In our discussions, we all agreed that there is no magic formula for success in Iraq. And one message came through loud and clear: Failure in Iraq would be a disaster for the United States. Because if we don't maintain unfettered access to the oil, how will ExxonMobil continue to make record profits?
The consequences of failure are clear: Radical Islamic extremists would grow in strength and gain new recruits. They would be in a better position to topple moderate governments, create chaos in the region, and use oil revenues to fund their ambitions. Iran would be emboldened in its pursuit of nuclear weapons. Our enemies would have a safe haven from which to plan and launch attacks on the American people. Kinda like the safe haven I allowed them to have in America. On September the 11th, 2001, we saw what a refuge for extremists on the other side of the world could bring to the streets of our own cities. I never get tired of trying to link the Iraq war to 9/11. Never! Never! For the safety of our people (and for the wealth of our corporations), America must succeed in Iraq.
The most urgent priority for success in Iraq is security, especially in Baghdad. Eighty percent of Iraq's sectarian violence occurs within 30 miles of the capital. This violence is splitting Baghdad into sectarian enclaves, and shaking the confidence of all Iraqis. Only the Iraqis can end the sectarian violence and secure their people. And their government has put forward an aggressive plan to do it. Remember free fire zones? Turns out that wasn't such a bad idea. Sometimes you have to destroy a country in order to save it. Or somethin' like that--heh, heh.
Our past efforts to secure Baghdad failed for two principal reasons: There were not enough Iraqi and American troops to secure neighborhoods that had been cleared of terrorists and insurgents. I don't have time or energy to secure neighborhoods in both Iraq and America, so I think I'll just concentrate on securing neighborhoods in Iraq. And there were too many restrictions on the troops we did have. They haven't been ordered to kill indiscriminately. Our military commanders reviewed the new Iraqi plan to ensure that it addressed these mistakes. They report that it does. They also report that this plan can work.
Let me explain the main elements of this effort: The Iraqi government will appoint a military commander and two deputy commanders for their capital. The Iraqi government will deploy Iraqi Army and National Police brigades across Baghdad's nine districts. When these forces are fully deployed, there will be 18 Iraqi Army and National Police brigades committed to this effort - along with local police. These Iraqi forces will operate from local police stations - conducting patrols, setting up checkpoints, and going door-to-door to gain the trust of Baghdad residents. Because checkpoints and door-to-door midnight searches are so dearly loved by people around the world and make them so inclined to trust the people who are doing those things.
This is a strong commitment. But for it to succeed, our commanders say the Iraqis will need our help. So America will change our strategy to help the Iraqis carry out their campaign to put down sectarian violence - and bring security to the people of Baghdad. We'll help the Iraqis carry out a campaign to kill more people, but we won't help with a campaign to rebuild New Orleans or the Gulf Coast. This will require increasing American force levels. So I have committed more than 20,000 additional American troops to Iraq. The vast majority of them - five brigades - will be deployed to Baghdad. These troops will work alongside Iraqi units and be embedded in their formations. Our troops will have a well-defined mission: to help Iraqis clear and secure neighborhoods, to help them protect the local population, and to help ensure that the Iraqi forces left behind are capable of providing the security that Baghdad needs. We're gonna get to kill more people and give more no-bid contracts to defense contractors! Oh, and spend more taxpayer money! And borrow more from China! It's gonna be awesome!
Many listening tonight will ask why this effort will succeed when previous
operations to secure Baghdad did not. Here are the differences: In earlier
operations, Iraqi and American forces cleared many neighborhoods of terrorists
and insurgents - but when our forces moved on to other targets, the killers
returned. This time, we will have the force levels we need to hold the areas
that have been cleared. In earlier operations, political and sectarian
interference prevented Iraqi and American forces from going into neighborhoods
that are home to those fueling the sectarian violence. This time, Iraqi and
American forces will have a green light to enter these neighborhoods - and Prime
Minister Maliki has pledged that political or sectarian interference will not be
tolerated. Some people's gonna die!!! The gloves are coming off!!
I have made it clear to the Prime Minister and Iraq's other leaders that
America's commitment is not open-ended. And by "not open-ended" I mean
"we're gonna stay forever because we are building this kickass embassy. We gotta get some use outta that thing!! If the Iraqi government does not follow
through on its promises, it will lose the support of the American people - and
it will lose the support of the Iraqi people. Now is the time to act. The Prime
Minister understands this. Here is what he told his people just last week: "The
Baghdad security plan will not provide a safe haven for any outlaws, regardless
of [their] sectarian or political affiliation."
This new strategy will not yield an immediate end to suicide bombings, assassinations, or IED attacks. Our enemies in Iraq will make every effort to ensure that our television screens are filled with images of death and suffering. I just said that for shits and giggles--everybody knows that American news organizations are too chickenshit to show images of death and suffering. Even when it's a bastard like Saddam Hussein! Yet over time, we can expect to see Iraqi troops chasing down murderers, fewer brazen acts of terror, and growing trust and cooperation from Baghdad's residents. When this happens, daily life will improve, Iraqis will gain confidence in their leaders, and the government will have the
breathing space it needs to make progress in other critical areas. Like for
instance, making my oil buddies lotsa money! Most of Iraq's Sunni and Shia
want to live together in peace - and reducing the violence in Baghdad will help
make reconciliation possible. Yes, that's right, my stupid plan to have more
people killed for no reason is going to resolve a religious argument that's been
raging for centuries! Because I create reality and am awesome!
A successful strategy for Iraq goes beyond military operations. Ordinary Iraqi
citizens must see that military operations are accompanied by visible
improvements in their neighborhoods and communities. So America will hold the
Iraqi government to the benchmarks it has announced. Notice I haven't said
"civil war" or "timetable." But I did use the word "mistake." Throw me a
To establish its authority, the Iraqi government plans to take responsibility for security in all of Iraq's provinces by November. But we can't leave then--because it won't be 2009. That's when I get to pass this bullshit off to some other asshole. To give every Iraqi citizen a stake in the country's economy, Iraq will pass legislation to share oil revenues among all Iraqis. Yeah, they'll share the 25% of profits that
will be left over after my oil buddies take the rest. Which is only right--we
did liberate their oil. I mean, their nation. Heh, heh. To show that it is
committed to delivering a better life, the Iraqi government will spend 10
billion dollars of its own money on reconstruction and infrastructure projects
that will create new jobs. Now I would never do communist bullshit like this
in America--but if these chumps wanna do it, whatever... To empower local
leaders, Iraqis plan to hold provincial elections later this year. And to allow
more Iraqis to re-enter their nation's political life, the government will
reform de-Baathification laws - and establish a fair process for considering
amendments to Iraq's constitution.
America will change our approach to help the Iraqi government as it
works to meet these benchmarks. In keeping with the recommendations of the Iraq
Study Group, we will increase the embedding of American advisers in Iraqi Army
units - and partner a Coalition brigade with every Iraqi Army division. We will
help the Iraqis build a larger and better-equipped Army - and we will accelerate
the training of Iraqi forces, which remains the essential U.S. security mission
in Iraq. We have to build up an army that they can use to try to kick us out
with. Then we can have an excuse to stay there even longer to fight off the
Iraqi army we just trained. We will give our commanders and civilians
greater flexibility to spend funds for economic assistance. We will double the
number of Provincial Reconstruction Teams. And we'll halve the
reconstruction teams here at home. These teams bring together military and
civilian experts to help local Iraqi communities pursue reconciliation,
strengthen moderates, and speed the transition to Iraqi self reliance. And
Secretary Rice will soon appoint a reconstruction coordinator in Baghdad to
ensure better results for economic assistance being spent in Iraq.
As we make these changes, we will continue to pursue al Qaeda and foreign fighters. Al Qaeda is still active in Iraq. Its home base is Anbar Province. Al Qaeda has
helped make Anbar the most violent area of Iraq outside the capital. A captured
al Qaeda document describes the terrorists' plan to infiltrate and seize control
of the province. This would bring al Qaeda closer to its goals of taking down
Iraq's democracy, building a radical Islamic empire, and launching new attacks
on the United States at home and abroad.
Our military forces in Anbar are killing and capturing al Qaeda leaders - and protecting the local population. Recently, local tribal leaders have begun to show their willingness to take on al Qaeda. As a result, our commanders believe we have an opportunity to deal a serious blow to the terrorists. So I have given orders to increase American forces in Anbar Province by 4,000 troops. These troops will work with Iraqi and tribal forces to step up the pressure on the terrorists. By which
I mean--we'll kill a lot more people. Oh, and probably throw a lot more under
the jail for life and torture them the entire time. Because they might be
terrorists. America's men and women in uniform took away al Qaeda's safe
haven in Afghanistan - and we will not allow them to re-establish it in Iraq.
Succeeding in Iraq also requires defending its territorial integrity -
and stabilizing the region in the face of the extremist challenge. This begins
with addressing Iran and Syria. Sleep with one eye open, Ahmadinejad!
These two regimes are allowing terrorists and insurgents to use their territory
to move in and out of Iraq. Iran is providing material support for attacks on
American troops. And that's why we should start the third war of my
presidency posthaste. Don't you think that cause is worth it? We will
disrupt the attacks on our forces. We will interrupt the flow of support from
Iran and Syria. And we will seek out and destroy the networks providing advanced
weaponry and training to our enemies in Iraq.
We are also taking other steps to bolster the security of Iraq and
protect American interests in the Middle East. I recently ordered the deployment
of an additional carrier strike group to the region. That's for attacking
Iran--oh wait, I've said too much... We will expand intelligence sharing -
and deploy Patriot air defense systems to reassure our friends and allies. Of which we have very few left. We will work with the governments of
Turkey and Iraq to help them resolve problems along their border. And we will
work with others to prevent Iran from gaining nuclear weapons and dominating the
region. That's the point I really wanted to make--when you think of Iran,
think of mushroom clouds. Iran=mushroom clouds. Fuck Iraq, let's bomb Iran.
It'll be awesome!
We will use America's full diplomatic resources to rally support for
Iraq from nations throughout the Middle East. Countries like Saudi Arabia,
Egypt, Jordan, and the Gulf States need to understand that an American defeat in
Iraq would create a new sanctuary for extremists - (unlike say, Saudi Arabia
where 15 of the 9/11 hijackers came from)and a strategic threat to their
survival. These nations have a stake in a successful Iraq that is at peace with
its neighbors - and they must step up their support for Iraq's unity government. Or else. We endorse the Iraqi government's call to finalize an
International Compact that will bring new economic assistance in exchange for
greater economic reform. And on Friday, Secretary Rice will leave for the region
- to build support for Iraq, and continue the urgent diplomacy required to help
bring peace to the Middle East. Because I'm all about some peace--that's why
you gotta have more war!
The challenge playing out across the broader Middle East is more than a
military conflict. It is the decisive ideological struggle of our time. I
usually like to wait for history's judgment, but I'll go ahead and jumpstart the
history nerds on this one. Hey, history assholes in 2057? The decisive
ideological struggle of our time is as follows: On one side are those who
believe in freedom and moderation. On the other side are extremists who kill the
innocent, and have declared their intention to destroy our way of life. Guess which side I'm on? Heh, heh. In the long run, the most realistic
way to protect the American people is to provide a hopeful alternative to the
hateful ideology of the enemy - by advancing liberty across a troubled region. And by kicking much ass and taking their oil and their money. It is in
the interests of the United States to stand with the brave men and women who are
risking their lives to claim their freedom - and help them as they work to raise
up just and hopeful societies across the Middle East. Now, we're not gonna
do this shit in Darfur or anywhere else--those brave men and women standing up
for freedom can kiss my ass.
From Afghanistan to Lebanon to the Palestinian Territories, millions of
ordinary people are sick of the violence, and want a future of peace and
opportunity for their children. And they are looking at Iraq. They want to know:
Will America withdraw and yield the future of that country to the extremists -
or will we stand with the Iraqis who have made the choice for freedom?
The changes I have outlined tonight are aimed at ensuring the survival of a young
democracy that is fighting for its life in a part of the world of enormous
importance to American security. And corporate profits--let's not forget
about those, heh heh. Let me be clear: The terrorists and insurgents in
Iraq are without conscience, and they will make the year ahead bloody and
violent. And I'm gonna do my part to make sure that happens. Even if
our new strategy works exactly as planned, deadly acts of violence will continue
- and we must expect more Iraqi and American casualties. So don't come
crying to me when your mommy or daddy or whatever gets killed, OK? I told ya
they were gonna die. But I have no control over whether they go to war or not.
I'm just a regular guy like you, remember? The kinda guy you'd like to have a
beer with, remember? So when your husband gets killed, just remember that we'll
never have a beer together and I won't come to any funerals or anything, OK?
OK. The question is whether our new strategy will bring us closer to
success. I believe that it will. But then again, you gotta remember that I'm
Victory will not look like the ones our fathers and grandfathers
achieved. Because the war will never end and therefore neither will my
power. There will be no surrender ceremony on the deck of a battleship. Ditto what I just said. But victory in Iraq will bring something new in
the Arab world - a functioning democracy that polices its territory, upholds the
rule of law, respects fundamental human liberties, and answers to its people. I mean, that shit is for pussies if you ask me, but whatever...everybody's
always trying to say that ya gotta follow the Constitution and shit, and I'm
just like, yeah, whatever. A democratic Iraq will not be perfect. But it
will be a country that fights terrorists instead of harboring them - and it will
help bring a future of peace and security for our children and grandchildren. After all, Rome wasn't built in your lifetime, you know what I'm saying,
dickhead? Don't expect any results for a couple years at least--then I'm gone
and you guys can do whatever the fuck you want. Cause I'll be clearin' brush and
ridin' bikes. I can't fucking wait, dude!
Our new approach comes after consultations with Congress about the different courses we could take in Iraq. And I told the Democrats they could suck my dick. Many are concerned that the Iraqis are becoming too dependent on the United States - and therefore, our policy should focus on protecting Iraq's borders and hunting down al Qaeda. Their solution is to scale back America's efforts in Baghdad - or announce the phased withdrawal of our combat forces. We carefully considered
these proposals. And we concluded that to step back now would force a collapse
of the Iraqi government, tear that country apart, and result in mass killings on
an unimaginable scale. I mean, the killing so far used to be unimaginable,
but since it's happened now we can imagine it, you see what I mean?Such a
scenario would result in our troops being forced to stay in Iraq even longer,
and confront an enemy that is even more lethal. If we increase our support at
this crucial moment, and help the Iraqis break the current cycle of violence, we
can hasten the day our troops begin coming home.
In the days ahead, my national security team will fully brief Congress
on our new strategy. And they better not say shit about it. If members
have improvements that can be made, we will make them. If circumstances change,
we will adjust. Honorable people have different views, and they will voice their
criticisms. I mean, there's no such thing as an honorable Democrat, but they
told me I had to say that. It is fair to hold our views up to scrutiny. And
all involved have a responsibility to explain how the path they propose would be
more likely to succeed. Acting on the good advice of Senator Joe Lieberman
and other key members of Congress, we will form a new, bipartisan working group
that will help us come together across party lines to win the war on terror.
This group will meet regularly with me and my Administration, and it will help
strengthen our relationship with Congress. We can begin by working together to
increase the size of the active Army and Marine Corps, so that America has the
Armed Forces we need for the 21st century. We also need to examine ways to
mobilize talented American civilians to deploy overseas - where they can help
build democratic institutions in communities and nations recovering from war and
In these dangerous times, the United States is blessed to have
extraordinary and selfless men and women willing to step forward and defend us. And I am willing to extend their tours and cut their benefits and send them
into harm's way for my own insane political advantage. These young
Americans understand that our cause in Iraq is noble and necessary - and that
the advance of freedom is the calling of our time. I mean, like ending
slavery? That had nothing on this. They serve far from their families, who
make the quiet sacrifices of lonely holidays and empty chairs at the dinner
table. They have watched their comrades give their lives to ensure our liberty.
We mourn the loss of every fallen American - and we owe it to them to build a
future worthy of their sacrifice. So we have to send more of them to die.
Because the death of 3,000 won't be validated until at least that many more have
died. You see how it works? No? Well, I am batshit insane.
Fellow citizens: The year ahead will demand more patience, sacrifice,
and resolve. It can be tempting to think that America can put aside the burdens
of freedom. Yet times of testing reveal the character of a Nation. And
throughout our history, Americans have always defied the pessimists and seen our
faith in freedom redeemed. Now America is engaged in a new struggle that will
set the course for a new century. We can and we will prevail.
We go forward with trust that the Author of Liberty will guide us through these trying hours. Thank you and good night. Author of Liberty--that's code for God, ya
Christian wackos! Don't impeach me! Or I'll detain ya! Just kidding, heh heh. Or